she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
