just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
