You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
