he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
