Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
