DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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