i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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