If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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