I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
