The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
