his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
