I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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