Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
