So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
