Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
