i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
