I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
