My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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