Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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