I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
