She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
