I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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