you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
