the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
