I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my being single is dangerous.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
