Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
