Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
