i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
