watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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