I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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