You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
