it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
