JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
