Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
