so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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