Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
