Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
