Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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