i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
