he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
