The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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