I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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