So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
