If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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