She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
