And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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