i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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