I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
