Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
