she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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