Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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