hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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