So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
