mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
